When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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