My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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