Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
