Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
