just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
