...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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