He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
