I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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