It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
