Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
