theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
