I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
