My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
