Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
