Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
