I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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