So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
