Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just googled if crying burns calories
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
