Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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