This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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