I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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