Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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