well you can't waste a boner
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
