just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
