so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
