I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
