Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
