I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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