Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I can't turn off my feet"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
