You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
