When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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