I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
