I wish my penis had an off switch
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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