Cold hands, warm shart.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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