I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
