im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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