im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
