I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
