I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
