My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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