Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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