i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
