i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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