You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
