you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
