pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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