I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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