Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
