I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
pray to the hookup gods
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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