and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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