You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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