i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
